Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

   The week has seven days: Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday.

   I always hold the door open for women… even if they don't want to get into my van…

   A bottle of wine and I still have feelings. Time for whiskey.

   Step 1: Attach a mustache to your TV. Step 2: Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   Daylight Saving Time this weekend but try not to lose any sleep over it

   The most awkward thing you can hear from the guy at the urinal next to you..."Hey, nice watch".

   I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what I do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, I draw the line. I'm sorry but I just can't let you beat me at mario kart

   Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

   Wishing I knew all my Facebook friends....Some seem pretty cool...Sure hope I meet them someday....

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   instead of fighting over healthcare the government should just legalize-marijuana. then when we are all stoned then they can do what they want and we will all be to ripped to care

   Does this rag smell like Chloroform?

   Katy Perry's cleavage too much for Sesame Street "HELLO" Elmo is naked

   Daughter walks in on her mom giving dad a hand job, "Mommy, what you doing?" Mom says "Your daddy is getting too fat, so I'm letting some of the air out of him." The little girl replies, "Good luck, the lady next door is just got done blowing him up again

   Dating sites should have a section for people to leave a review for the person they went out with.

   I just dropped $2 somewhere under the passenger seat in my car, so I guess I have a savings account now.

   Relax, everyone.....The government that couldn't get a website to work has got this Ebola thing. Don't worry!!

   Wedding cake…One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

   So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don't give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.