Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't friend request someone just because they have a pretty face. I friend request them if they have a pretty face and big t*ts.

   To everybody that is single don't worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner

   I'm no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.

   an hour back for daylight savingss ?? well good.... atleast the clock in my car will finally be right again.

   Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   It looks like cupid saw his shadow again this year!

   I can't even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

   If sober me won't do it...drunk me will.

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.

   I am ugly but not "use a a celebrity pic for my profile pic" ugly.

   With women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at... LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff..

   Apparently it isn’t chivalry if you’re in the ladies’ washrooms and you open doors to the stalls for them.

   im about to embark on an epic journey from a horizontal position in my bed to the coffee maker. join me on this incredible journey

   My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash... and it is gone!

   Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?

   Some people should be very grateful I don't have mob connections.

   I just used the phrase "dilly dally", so I'm looking into retirement homes now.

   A smile is way better than a duck face...

   Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is easily the worst thing to happen to President Lincoln in a theatre.