Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   about to do something awesome, again, but she told herself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   Its called investigating - NOT stalking!!

   Thinks Karma needs a GPS, since it finds those who don't deserve it and gets lost en route to those who do!!!

   tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.

   is wondering what childless IDIOT invented glitter glue?

   thinks that bread is to ducks as dollars are to strippers, ya feed one and three are waiting next in line..

   Angered by steroid accusations, Lance Armstrong threw a car at reporters.

   Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, it's fun for the whole neighborhood.

   I was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...

   I hate being in line behind Brett Favre at Starbucks. He's changed his order 14 times.

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   Some people's opinion doesnt matter and quite frankly never will..

   all the QUEEN'S horses and ALL the QUEEN'S MEN could not get me up at 4am for THOSE wedding SHENANIGANS!!!

   When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part

   Jennifer Anistons dog Normam dies -CNN... CNN, Dude seriously! www.whocares.com

   Sad truth: He goes to Jared, she goes to a pawn shop in about 7 years.

   Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.

   Too many people live for compliments, instead of accomplishments.