Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   is wondering what childless IDIOT invented glitter glue?

   thinks that bread is to ducks as dollars are to strippers, ya feed one and three are waiting next in line..

   Angered by steroid accusations, Lance Armstrong threw a car at reporters.

   Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, it's fun for the whole neighborhood.

   I was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...

   I hate being in line behind Brett Favre at Starbucks. He's changed his order 14 times.

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   Some people's opinion doesnt matter and quite frankly never will..

   all the QUEEN'S horses and ALL the QUEEN'S MEN could not get me up at 4am for THOSE wedding SHENANIGANS!!!

   When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part

   Jennifer Anistons dog Normam dies -CNN... CNN, Dude seriously! www.whocares.com

   Sad truth: He goes to Jared, she goes to a pawn shop in about 7 years.

   Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.

   Too many people live for compliments, instead of accomplishments.

   Have you noticed each generation is getting ruder and shorter?

   Dear Skoal Tobacco Co: Can you please come up with a pouch with a 50/50 mix of tobacco and coffee grounds? Thanks

   U know I bet people would become a lot nicer if they sold people tags like they sell deer tags. Once a year you can buy a tag and take out that 1 special person

   Lets Be Honest, slow internet, is worse than bad sex.