Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   relationships are a lot like algebra. have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

   I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.

   Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb" I need one that says "Already disturbed"

   Non-psychotic people don't wear "Build Back Better" paraphernalia, they loot, burn and kill.

   We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

   You think you've got problems? I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.

   If your girlfriend has a friend that annoys you, don't tell her to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is.

   Moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.

   iam pretty sure the whole 'ladies first' thing was created by a guy to check out some ass

   I really want to punch "The Situation" in his vagina

   I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team

   Facebook: making the high school reunion last forever.

   Brand new scientifically proven weight loss lipstick... Superglue

   You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.

   If a guy doesn't turn on the TV first when he sits down next to his woman on the couch, that's a BJ request.

   They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.

   Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you're relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!

   I like that Dollar General store because you don't have to get all dressed up like you do when you go to Walmart.

   Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having

   ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle.