Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize that I should have been more specific.

   If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

   Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

   Just beheaded my neighbor's snowman and placed it on a stake on his front lawn.

   Deja Vuvuzela - I think I've heard this buzz before....

   Every time I hear a recording of my own voice, I'm convinced that I would not be friends with me if I were someone else.

   The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

   Finally finished carving GOOGLE EARTH CAN SUCK IT into the a massive cliff. Now... we wait.

   1-2 Freddy's coming for you... ---oh wait! wrong movie! Happy Friday the 13th!

   Insomnia: its when you spend your whole night thinking about the next day, days passed, and days to come, and when your out of bed the next day, all you can think about is the bed, the pillow and how to sleep!!

   The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

   If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it "Handjobs".

   A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

   I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.

   What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it,I am taping a condom to the window.

   It’s only every seven years that you get to celebrate Taco Tuesday and Cinco De Mayo on the same day.