Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize that I should have been more specific.

   If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

   Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

   Just beheaded my neighbor's snowman and placed it on a stake on his front lawn.

   Deja Vuvuzela - I think I've heard this buzz before....

   Every time I hear a recording of my own voice, I'm convinced that I would not be friends with me if I were someone else.

   The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

   Finally finished carving GOOGLE EARTH CAN SUCK IT into the a massive cliff. Now... we wait.

   1-2 Freddy's coming for you... ---oh wait! wrong movie! Happy Friday the 13th!

   Insomnia: its when you spend your whole night thinking about the next day, days passed, and days to come, and when your out of bed the next day, all you can think about is the bed, the pillow and how to sleep!!

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

   The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

   If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it "Handjobs".

   I don't just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.

   You had me at tubes tied.

   There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.

   My 6 year old asked me what it was like to be married so I ignored him for a week and then yelled at him for something he did when he was 3.