Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son came home from school and told my wife he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? He says, "I play the part of the husband." My wife says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

   i like to keep a bag of hair in my car, it distracts them from the drug search

   Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.

   If it were the other way around I don't think a cat would take in 60 old people.

   Did we give a Nobel Prize to the guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon?

   I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.

   I wish I was a gloworm,,, a gloworm's never glum,,, cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum

   It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."

   My Ex went to her Dr.'s looking for something to treat headaches... He gave her some pills and said to give one to everyone she meets.

   The reason we give kids middle names is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   If you can make just ONE person smile, then you're probably a really bad comedian.

   I'm not a Hater. I'm a Cultural Critic. Its a difference.

   google. type the words "why does my poop" and let google magic fill in the laughs with the suggested questions

   Dear Women, We don't know what we're thinking, so please stop asking us that. Love, Men

   It's time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

   There aren't many passengers on this train of thought.

   The only way I would honestly be able to say you are "hot" is if you were set on fire.

   so nice to see that the ex g/f who said I would never amount to anything just take my order at Taco Bell

   The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself.

   Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it's your own fault."