Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before going out last night, one of my friends asked if there was anything going on at the bar we were going to. Well, I'm pretty sure they're going to be serving drinks. What else matters?

   I got enough crap in my life at the moment sorry I cant fit you in!

   If life were more like a movie, we'd all be dead after about 90 minutes.

   I feel like life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

   Today at work both the UPS & Fedex guy showed up at the same time, I don't know who was more uncomfortable me or them.

   What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

   X Did you Just say somthing, or did your brain fart..

   Some people should "dance like no one's looking" where I can't see them.

   i feel bad when I see strangers with their zipper down I want to tell them but I feel I would be inviting danger into my life

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he understands English.

   just had a moment of clarity...now i'm just waiting on the moment of give a sh!t to kick in to see what happens...

   I was a mess when she left again...tears flowing, snot running, skin burning...I have GOT to stop buying her pepper spray....

   Catching a yellow-jacket in your shirt at seventy miles per hour can double your vocabulary.

   has a new drinking game. Everytime a politician whines and/or blames the other party for something, take a shot.. Because politicains are a bunch of overgrown can-do-no-wrong crybabies with major control issues.. . I htihnk I tis a afgoodo gfame

   ..New Year's Resolution: Drink More. Fall Down Less. She'll put that to the test tonight.

   this is an apology to one of my friends-a Cowboys fan!I do realise you are a true fan and you were explaining their talents -but when I said I hadn't seen a Cowboy choke like that since Brokeback Mountain - I was being sincere!!

   I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons

   can see through your clothes. Mood: disappointed.

   On the road to my Happy Place. Too bad it is jammed with traffic.

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus