Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?"

   My wife and I are doing the same thing for Valentine's Day that we do every year: Laughing at all the people who spend too much money!

   types a hundred words a minute, but it's in my own language.

   the oldest I've ever been so far.

   Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

   great advice for those seeking to get out of a terrible relationship and tried almost everything: start peeing the bed. But make sure its theirs.

   I didn't practice abstinence, I perfected it.

   The main trouble with mental notes is, the ink fades so fast.

   I wanted to buy a keepsake to remind me of the great food this Thanksgiving, but I think this new chin will suffice.

   Remembers how much better nostalgia used to be.

   "when one door closes, a window is opened"....just my luck, it's on the second story!!

   Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

   You can make the same drive 100's of times but a good dense fog makes it feel like a totally new experience.

   My new study method for finals is put a question on the outside of a beer bottle and the answer at the bottom

   contemplating the mysteries of universe, like the meaning of life, the workings of time, and whether of not Wang Chung was demanding or requesting that "Everybody Wang Chung tonight." The world may never know.

   You call it poor parenting, I call it raising free range children.

   Iif time travel were possible, my future self would have shown up to slap some sense into me by now.

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   Little known fact: "Ikea" is actually Swedish for the sound one makes when sh*tty furniture falls apart.

   I hate when people answer an "or" question with just a yes or no: "Did you order the pizza or do I have to do it?"... "Yup"