Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I'm drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.

   Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don't want to see naked. . .

   I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding, driving Kia's all around town. No wait..... Hamsters, I hate hamsters

   Hmmm, I think I'm going to hand out bottles of 5 hour energy instead of candy this year.

   Sometimes I'm really smart and other times, I'm here scrounging for stuff to p0st..

   Now who is running a MARATHON?

   if you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!

   I don't use the self-checkout lane, but I am looking forward to the fill-your-own-prescription stations.

   I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.

   the best way to understand paranoid people is to follow them around.

   Where's B.lack Lives M@tter when 6 kids in Chicago get shot by other Black kids? Deserves an honest answer ... right?

   My father taught me that Respect was something that had to be earned ..... So I'm still trying to figure out how looting and burning other peoples stuff is supposed to build respect for your cause.

   Sequel Idea: Fresh Prince of Bel Aire 2 - A privledged kid from Bel-Aire is sent to live in West Philly to be given a hard dose of reality. Starring Jaden Smith.

   If I were a hooker, I'd definitely market myself as "roadside assistance".

   Girl logic: If I just ignore him he'll leave me alone. Guy logic: She hasn't told me to f*ck off yet so she must be interested.

   A group of girls with a selfie stick is called a travesty.

   And then her mood ring just...exploded.