Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!

   I don't use the self-checkout lane, but I am looking forward to the fill-your-own-prescription stations.

   I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.

   the best way to understand paranoid people is to follow them around.

   Where's B.lack Lives M@tter when 6 kids in Chicago get shot by other Black kids? Deserves an honest answer ... right?

   My father taught me that Respect was something that had to be earned ..... So I'm still trying to figure out how looting and burning other peoples stuff is supposed to build respect for your cause.

   Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?

   If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? Please say tomorrow

   Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks

   Yea, the Duggars. You spit out that many kids, 1 or 2 are bound to be defective.

   Sequel Idea: Fresh Prince of Bel Aire 2 - A privledged kid from Bel-Aire is sent to live in West Philly to be given a hard dose of reality. Starring Jaden Smith.

   If I were a hooker, I'd definitely market myself as "roadside assistance".

   Girl logic: If I just ignore him he'll leave me alone. Guy logic: She hasn't told me to f*ck off yet so she must be interested.

   A group of girls with a selfie stick is called a travesty.