Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house

   when on a cooking show I think it would be funny if after the food is cooked and they take a bite, somebody spits it out and yells, "that is disgusting!"

   Jerry Sandusky is about to go from tight end to wide receiver.

   why don't they just open a separate school for kids that don't have a peanut allergy?

   If you watch porn in high definition you can actually see how lonely you are.

   How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

   I'm not trying to sound racist, but all fireworks look alike.

   I'm convinced these mosquitoes are on bath salts.....

   Just going through my old FB statuses & deleting the ones no one liked so I don't look lame.

   This girl says she wants to butter my muffin.. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry.

   I took one of my husband's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go to Hooters or ask my opinion on golf, call me.

   I love Facebook, it makes me feel kinda normal after reading about all of YOUR problems. Thanks people, and thank you Facebook...

   Sometimes you sit in class and listen to the conversations around you and realize you are the smartest person in the room.

   I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.

   Black Friday... America's version of "Running of the bulls!"

   I think there is one thing both genders can agree on, neither one want Justin Bieber in their gender.

   Lil Wayne = 5% Black 95% Tattoos.

   What the heck do you mean a can of Pringles is not considered ONE serving??!!

   jus saw a midget pushin a shopping cart.. every item they put in their basket was a slam dunk

   Dear 12 year old on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship? Did someone steal your cookies?