Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my Timehop, I drank a lot on this day in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011...

   What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?

   I didn't read the article but let me tell you what I think about the headline.

   I have dragon slayer on my resume. Nobody's had the nutsack to call me on it, yet...

   If you think you're having a bad day just remember, at least you're not receiving death threats by one of the world most powerful drug lord.

   If you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   More coffee, less people please.

   What's it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it's only for booze?

   Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

   I forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom. I think that counts as camping.

   Hey self-appointed MILFs, easy does it. We'll let you know.

   Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.

   Borrow five dollars from a woman and they will forget. Borrow a piece of Tupperware from a woman and they will hunt you down to every corner of the planet.

   You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

   WoW! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!

   I was in a taxi on my way to work this morning when the driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That's really great, now take a left here."

   Riots will restart when they all figure out the liquor store they rioted last night is closed.

   Given the age of the average facebook user is steadily increasing, it's no wonder their new look would include large print and big pictures...

   Hey Social media newbies, remember if you try really hard and excel at this, in a couple years, you too can turn it into a source of no income.

   Odd how all the 'intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth.