Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were you, I'd get a helmet and some crayon's and call it a day..

   Why is that you can always read a doctor's bill but never his prescription?

   Your cellphone is practically glued to your palms but the minute I call, you all of a sudden had your phone in your purse?

   house shoes...check....pajama bottoms...check....tank tops with no bra....check....Yep, I'm at Wal-Mart!

   The 6 LEAST POPULAR Nursing Home Games:6 Simon says Something Incoherent 5.Pin the Toupee on Baldy 4. Hide and Go Pee 3. Musical Dentures 2. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 1 And of course Kick the Bucket.

   I can act my age just fine, until you say something like "penal code".

   I don't understand why it's called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.

   I bet that caveman was like "I'll teach my wife how to talk, what could possibly go wrong?"

   Everyday is a constant struggle to not give in and finally taste one of the dogs Beggin' Strips.

   The days of good grammar has went.

   They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically calls in sick for me.

   It's funny how the Chinese are competing to win back medals they probably made a month ago!

   Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?

   fee fee fi fee fi fo fum. Mike Tysons cell phone number.

   Its Friend Deletion Day.... Any Volunteers???????

   I'm pretty sure if I washed my face like the girls on face wash commercials, my roommates would be really pissed about the puddles all over the bathroom floor.

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.

   OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.

   If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me.

   They found the gene that causes shyness. They would have found it sooner, but it was hiding behind some other genes.