Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't realize the AIDS epidemic was so bad, they say one in every two and a half men have it

   The government shut down? Hmm.. Didn't notice any difference...

   being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible

   You haven't lived until you've had an 80 year old white woman push past you at the liquor store and call you a "f aggot"

   Here's a thought: Let's let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.

   ATTENTION: The Apocalypse scheduled for this year has been canceled due to time zone confusion.. sorry for the inconvenience.. they will try again next year

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. :)

   Mom trying to play Call of Duty, and she thinks the Kill Cam is her killing someone. Getting tired of hearing "I GOT ONE!".....every 5 seconds...

   i asked God to protect me from my enemines. Then all of a sudden I started losing "friends".

   My mom isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch her lose her damn mind.

   At school we learn that the sun rises in the east but in fact, the sun neither rises nor sets. Only earth rotates. Education spoils our common sense sometimes.

   Congress has racked up a reported $15,000 in unpaid parking and traffic tickets. Apparently they are as good at driving their cars as they are in steering the country right over the cliff.

   Drunk people run stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green.

   Don't make me go all CAPS LOCKS on you...

   save a tree...eat a beaver

   Remember that whole "Look both ways before crossing the street" thing? Well that also applies to picking your nose at a stop light. I just got totally busted when I looked at the guy on my right, pointing at me and laughing...

   Now I have to shop for Bin Ladin free tuna.

   Charlie Sheen has been giving people advice on sobriety. Hmm, that's kind of like Tiger woods or Jessie James giving advice on how to be a good husband.

   My grandma thinks the ipod shuffle is a dance move.

   I've come to realize that there is not much difference between paying for an evening out, and just leaving the money on the nightstand...unless you're hungry of course...