Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me?? 
Ran around today shouting "I'm Free! I'm Free!" Some little kid looked up at me in disgust and said, "So... I'm four."
What is the scariest part of halloween? Giving away all you Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!
I'm almost positive that Mariah Carey will give birth to a stuffed animal.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
It only takes me ONE beer to get drunk: Not sure if it's the 8th or 9th one tho.
Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
Thanks to all my FB Friends, for once again, reminding me it's Friday. This is also FB Spring Cleaning Weekend. Time to remove all the apps, polls, fan pages, pictures and friends you just don't need or want anymore.
Memo to my coworkers: It is Friday afternoon, and I have some serious web browsing and personal emailing to take care of, so please refrain from walking behind my cubicle. Thank you.
Uh oh! The first signs of Fall. Cool weather and falling leaves. Hurry! Jump into your nearest relationship, which will end at the first signs of Spring.
ARE you AS BORED AS I AM? Read these words backwards and it still makes sense.
This day is going so well..ill give it 10/10/10!
Nothing says your celebrating the birth of are Nation, like the smell of Gunpowder and Beer..
In the past, people got fired putting that they hate their job on facebook. well I HATE MY JOB! I HATE MY JOB! --hope this works for me.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
When you really want to slap someone, do it and say "mosquito."
there's a difference between smelling good and smelling like you marinated yourself in perfume.
Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.
Bring Your Child To Work Day; must be awkward for prostitutes.
Ok Florida, we see your hurricane and raise you an earthquake 