Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earthquakes, The number 1 cause of all Facebook updates.

   You know you're fat when you run out of breath eating.

   Being friends means you can pick on each other and joke around. If you take offense then get off my wall!!

   Posting a pic of how bad the roads are while you're driving sort of makes the situation worse don't ya think?

   I walked into a party last night and someone yelled, "dibbs!"

   you know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music

   makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap".

   Fashion tip of the day: If your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do, say NO to spandex.

   Sometimes those people you think are acting dumb are in fact not acting at all.

   Okay people, if you are driving a small car, and are not towing a trailer or driving a semi; you have no business coming into the left lane to negotiate a right turn

   Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly . . . on a broomstick. We're flexible that way.

   thinks Toyota should change its motto from "Moving Forward" to "MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!"

   they always say there are more fish in the sea, they seem to forget about the crabs

   would like to sublease his FB wall. He's still trying to find a way to make money here.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   We may lag behind the Chinese in math and science, but we are absolutely kicking their butts in the tattooed homewreckers category.

   Premature Ejaculation ads make car rides awkward.....

   Don't you wish you go back in time to your high school/college year and tell your younger self "Whatever you do, do NOT sleep with that girl"

   I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.