Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won't make you carry them.

   If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

   Well another year has passed, I think I have just about given up on the Mayans...

   It's not all bad for Tom Brady. At least he won't have to listen to Bruno Mars.

   I'd make more Broncos jokes, but I don't want to beat a dead horse...

   Just got three "BREAKING NEWS" notifications on my phone that two celebrities got married. This is why the rest of the world hates America.

   The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans

   looking at photos and seeing how much weight I've gained which has inspired me to make a resolution for 2011: NO MORE PHOTOS!

   I hate people that are conceited. I am so much better than them.

   Dear bacon company - is it too challenging to make a package I don't need to destroy to get open and that doesn't leave my hands covered in grease?

   Teacher: Imagine you're in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.

   My grandpa used to say "The best cure for a broken heart is a piping hot bowl of mom's homemade chicken soup. And a hooker."

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   has a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot

   Its annoying when I get a notification then see its about a post that I commented on like a week ago. Its lost its luster by then. There should be a statute of limitations on such things.

   If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...

   Forget scholarships and honor societies - the highest academic complement is getting an awesome grade on a paper you half-assed at four in the morning the day it was due.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day