Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

   Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.

   HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

   May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.

   Seriously! It should be a lot harder to find people for the show 16 and Pregnant. . . Teens, maybe you should find a different hobby?

   DEFENITION: Jagermeister - Irreversable decisions in a bottle.

   The good thing about multiple personalities is that if you collect enough of them you're prepared for any situation

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   I typed my ex's address into my gps and instead of directions the voice said "I don't think you really want to go there"

   I heard a fantastic idea today. Instead of the strip-screener machines at the airport, we need a reinforced isolation chamber, once in, any explosives on the body are somehow detonated. Everyone is happy.

   it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!

   I need a way to change my relationship status to "Out of Order" or "Temporarily Out of Service."

   If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   Twilight showed me it's okay to date underage girls if you're a 107-year-old vampire

   wondering why someone would put down their needle anywhere near a haystack.