Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Miley Cyrus's foam finger will be sold on Ebay? Pretty sure there will have to be a disclosure stating "Warning: Smells Like Shame"

   If Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black were drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

   I like kids, only because they remind me to buy more condoms.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.

   f I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.

   Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.

   There are no stupid questions, But I have met a ton of inquisitive idiots.

   Facebook's adding hashtags and Instagram's adding videos. Go home you two, you're drunk.

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.

   going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

   Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!