Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No man has ever won a game of 'notice anything different about me?'

   The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

   Remember that episode on Cosby Show where Vanessa got drunk and was hung over..........I'm thinking Cosby did that

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom

   Telling your kids you remember when gas was $.99 is like your Grandparents telling you they remember walking to school in the snow barefooted... Both were a long long time ago & will never happen again...

   I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories

   200 Happy Birthday Messages on my wall and all I got was a Farmville tractor.

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.

   Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

   Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!