Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 573 of 6385
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you'll still never get your own back.
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08-13-2013 13:43 by PostMan
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Ever notice that getting "suspended with pay" seems to only happen in government jobs
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08-20-2013 13:38
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It's Thanksgiving. Don't forget to set your scale forward 45 lbs. ahead.
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11-22-2012 00:11 by Danmanz
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I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.
It's not you.. It's me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.
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07-26-2012 08:39 by snotty
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Pandora: *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* runs out of skips.. *changes station*
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08-26-2012 21:51 by BEGO
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I'm already an idiot, I just need a village
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04-23-2013 08:19 by snotty
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People Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Ins tagram
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09-04-2012 13:41 by Fadolo
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I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.
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09-11-2012 16:13
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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute
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10-06-2012 11:02 by Smeebert
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Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...
I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.
You had me at "tubes tied"
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10-20-2012 15:16 by Baddie
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Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
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01-22-2013 20:03
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Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.
thinks MTV should change its name to Empty V.
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10-24-2010 15:40
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I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
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11-05-2010 19:57 by Aaron
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embarrassed himself at a funeral today - the shop didn't have any condolence cards left so he just bought a "Hope You'll Be Happy In Your New Home!" one instead.
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11-07-2010 01:08
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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
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11-13-2010 15:46
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