Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 564 of 6385
Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...
I hate it when pedestrians get all up in my grill.
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05-03-2012 14:37 by Aaron
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New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.
They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.
HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !
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05-24-2012 12:00 by snotty
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They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.
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12-29-2011 09:56 by BENDER
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When someone is watching you brush your teeth, you brush for longer than you normally do alone
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12-30-2011 12:36
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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
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11-09-2011 01:51
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The uneasy moment when you are having a conversation in your head & you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
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11-12-2011 01:22
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If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.
Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"
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12-07-2011 13:30 by Czovczov
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▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos ......
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05-23-2011 07:30
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My friend just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"
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09-05-2010 19:39
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When times are Tough, you know who your Real Friends are. When times are Easy...you know who your Drinking Friends are!
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01-18-2010 16:50 by Vitamin N
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Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”
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02-28-2012 11:23 by snotty
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The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
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04-06-2012 20:44 by snotty
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Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.
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01-28-2013 01:44 by Danmanz
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Thankyou for calling Comcast America's #1 Cable Co. My name is Habib Akmed Musaffa Akmed Habib, How may I mis-understand you today?!!!
Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
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01-26-2012 10:05
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