Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎20-30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!

   it's been a terrible year for my fantasy dictator league

   Cashiers are always checking me out.

   No matter where you live, there's always 1 light switch that doesn't do anything.

   There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce :(

   If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

   I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.

   Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.

   FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow

   The best part about daylight savings is that the clock in my car is correct again.

   Morning America, what are we offended by today?

   No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change

   So.. your changing your iPhone 4 just for a half inch?? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...

   It's a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.

   Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops.