Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 558 of 6385
I use to get a little nervous if I saw a policeman in my rearview mirror, these days I feel the same about a Toyota.
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02-20-2010 08:25 by bigedusw
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YOUR interest in your own kids: 100% Everybody else's interest in YOUR kids: 0.3%
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03-08-2010 01:48 by Danmanz
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just witnessed a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck.. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.
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03-10-2010 13:37
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I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.
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04-02-2010 13:09
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Screw getting an alarm system. I've seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Just passed a street sign that said "Slow Children at Play". That's not very nice.
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01-19-2011 13:59
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"Cannot connect to network, try resetting your wireless router." Umm OK but what if my router is in my neighbor's house? Should I call him?
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07-30-2010 15:05
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had it rough growing up. We was so poor, even our rainbows were black and white...
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05-06-2010 13:15 by samdave69
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If a cop stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?
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05-14-2010 10:44 by one
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curious as to which arm rest in the movie theatre is really yours.
I slap my own ass when having sex cause I'm that kinky. . . And alone.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
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11-15-2012 11:28
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If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.
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12-15-2012 19:57 by snotty
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Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.
When I win the lottery , the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.
Its amazing how the people with no job always have a bag of weed on them.
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10-08-2011 03:14
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When the I in "I love you" becomes more important than the "you," the word in the middle just fades away.
My Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.
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07-14-2011 23:04 by BEGO
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I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don't put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"