Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.

   If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.

   People getting out of prison will probably be on Myspace now saying "Where's everybody at?"

   I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.

   If you think husbands aren't good listeners, whisper "Come here, I'm naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.

   People are worried about global warming and social security when the real crisis is that we aren't far from eldery drivers knowing how to text.

   How come MOM'S and dad's only get one day and Sharks get a whole week??

   I didn't watch the Letterman finale because I've missed the last 17 season and didn't think I'd understand what was going on.

   Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

   Sorry kids, no wifi this month, our loser neighbor didn't pay his bill.

   Somebody tell mayweather he is supposed to hug his wife and punch the guy in the ring, not the other way around

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   Your check a$$hole light is on.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I hate it when chicks wear pink camo.I'm like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?