Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth.

   I don't know about you but putting the Kardashian's on a credit card to promote financial responsability makes as much sense as getting a nun to be a spokes woman for a condom company.

   Women never hate men enough to give us our diamonds back.

   just kicked out of the local paintball fight and the police were called.....Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

   doesn't consider them as one night stands, they're auditions.

   sits and wonders....if I was a bird, who would I crap on first...

   Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had gonorrhea

   there may not be an "I" in team but there's an "M" and "E"

   Today's comment intentionally left blank.

   Booty texts are much better than booty calls. You can send several out at a time and increase your chances!

   I think the world would be way cooler if we would have domesticated the bear instead the horse. Oh you pranced around, jumped a stick and ate some hay? Big deal, my bear just ate a hobo, paw'd a bee hive then roared so hard deaf people heard it.

   I'm still impressed with the dogs ability to play it cool about having eight nipples.

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.

   Don't get me wrong, I totally hear what you're saying, I just don't give a d*mn.

   Please irritate me. I would LOVE to see how badly it ends for you. ;)

   No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

   I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.

   thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money.

   hates it when people say "plan in advance" or "plan ahead". Just say "plan"! Obviously its developed in advance and before, thats what a plan is!

   The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.