Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   To everyone who posts a second comment to correct your first comment, you know what edit means, right??

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."

   Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...

   Recommended doses aren't the boss of me.

   Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬...Oh the weather outside's delightful, the balance in my account is frightful, what happened to all my dough, I dunno, I dunno, I dunnnnoooooo...♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

   My New Year's resolution is to announce a bunch of grandiose plans & changes I want to make for the new year, but then seamlessly slide into the same destructive patterns that have kept me suppressed in a life of mediocrity for as long as I can remember.

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.

   It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.

   After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.

   You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.