Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.

   Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

   Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......

   Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."

   I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.

   My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic

   If "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire" and "right" with "tonight" most Boy Bands wouldn't be able to write a song.

   so your telling me that facebook is gonna start charging money monthly? You remind of the people that told me that about Hotmail.. TEN YEARS AGO!"

   It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

   My son has been sitting at the computer for so long I almost watered him today..........

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   A handful of Nigerian scam artists are wrecking it for all the honest Nigerians who want to wire money to us.

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday. Maybe I should be a politician..

   you know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do