Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   advises all the young people, "Do not grow up; it's a trap!!"

   I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies

   If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy

   Won a $50 gift card to Chili's at Christmas raffle. In other news, decided my secret santa is getting a $14.37 gift card to Chili's for Christmas.

   Among words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

   Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired

   It's so nice having my family around for the holidays. It really makes me appreciate their absence the rest of the year.

   Why is everyone so worried about the Mayans Calendar??? I just realized my Hannah Montana Calendar ends in 13 hours!!!!

   Slippery Slope of New Years Resolutions: 1st Resolution: Go to the gym every day. 2nd: Feel guilty for not going. 3rd: Pie.

   you never see the chihuahua in the Taco Bell commercials anymore...makes me wonder what's in those 99 cent burritos

   Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought hang on!

   Kia recalls 146,000 US vehicles - there are gonna be a LOT of angry hamsters!

   NO, you don't have “haters”. People just don't like you. Get over yourself.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something.

   The McRib is like an exgirlfriend visiting, you know you probably shouldn't do it, but hey, it's back for a limited time.

   So. I don't see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I'll start up the mower....stupid grass...

   How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with subwoofers inside them?

   So I read that Uber is going to start using self-driving cars to drive people around... Which is a great idea.. But I'm just thinking, if a car drives up to my house to take me somewhere with nobody in it.. I'm pretty sure I just got myself a new car...