Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman - or a new car. ....

   #891... you didnt inbox me a number but I've always wanted to say this to you. Your depressing posts piss me off to no end! You need a haircut, I dont think he loves you anymore either, and I really dont give a Shi! what adorable trick your cat did today!

   Israel changes its relationship status with Egypt on FB to "it's complicated". Lebanon, Syria & Palestine 'like' this

   I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have moose antlers?"

   Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over. You're welcome.

   Just once on a cooking show I'd like someone to taste-test the completed dish, scrunch up their face and say, "Oh my God, that tastes like sh*t!"

   thinks McDonald's should start selling a deep fried pickle covered in batter. They can call it the McDillDough.

   texting this fb status right now because someone really annoying just sat across from me and I want to look busy.  

   just realized life hasn't changed much. 15years ago on Sunday night I was wishing I was grown up and had a job. Today night I'm up wishing I was in school.......

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't spell.

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

   I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!

   that awkard moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out

   Hey Customer Service - Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

   You're 15 years old. You smoke. You're not a virgin and you wear more make-up than you do clothes. You have a bright future ahead of you.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.

   The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

   Difficult to call it a "botched execution" unless he suffered longer than his victim.