Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinkin' about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to party.

   read that Pat Robertson claims all the snow on the East Coast is God punishing them for Jersey Shore.

   You never really learn how to swear until you begin to drive.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   Dogs see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "He must be God." Cats see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "I must be God."

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never knew you had. Like when the vending machine gives you 2 soda's

   It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

   Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"

   I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

   The next person to tell me I overreact is going to get stabbed.

   You're saying I'm immature. Well, you're immature times infinity.

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker

   old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"

   At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?

   You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.

   Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan. She should probably wash it.

   Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...

   One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

   I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...