Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.

   Our parents would tell us when they were young they had to walk to school uphill both ways! Nowadays I tell my kids when I was young I used to play outside!

   "Bacon is meat candy."

   snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap

   Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he knows me or somethin...

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   loves when people say "I tell it like it is." Really? How about you tell it like it isn't just to shake things up a bit?

   Did you ever notice that all lesbians look like Justin Bieber?

   whenever you don't feel special or the world is draggin you down. just remember this.. there's always beer."

   beer doesn't make me post better Facebook Status updates, it just makes me not care what you think of them.

   i suppose those highway signs that read "Speed enforced by aircraft" has a more serious meaning in Iraq.

   wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.

   Remember before they had Hummers when you had to actually talk to a guy to tell if he was an a**hole?

   figured out when ordering at Starbucks, it pretty much works out to $1 a word

   One of the biggest benchmarks of true adulthood is when you come to the realization that all teenagers are douche bags.

   What doesn't kill you makes you slower. -Ancient Zombie Wisdom

   Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.

   February 14, 2010 will now be known as "Singles Awareness Day. F you to all the candymakers, cardmakers, jewlers, florists, and Cupid!