Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   It is not pre marital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   a paper cut is a trees last revenge =)

   For the person who picked on you in school, stole your boyfriend/girlfriend from you, spread lies and rumors about you, didn't help you in anyway possible....all of a sudden......wants to be your friend on Facebook.

   Doesn't it feel like the Facebook friends who NEVER respone to your posts are secretly judging you?

   I Spent the last 30 minutes trying to trim my side burns and am now sporting a nice mohawk..

   Everyone has the power to make someone else happy. Some do it by entering the room, while others do it by leaving.

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   This new layout has me more confused than a cow on astroturf.

   I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'

   I went to the store today to buy a bag of air. To my surprise there were a couple doritos in it.

   I haven't seen a spider in the house in days.WHAT THE F*CK ARE THEY PLANNING?

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage?... This status.

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.

   How come girl's sweatpants always say things like Juicy, Bootylicious and Fresh. They never say accurate things like Sad,Menstruating or Cellulite

   It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..