Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is Britain's chance to outshine the USA by not naming the royal baby after a fruit, plant, or direction.

   99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like Women.

   I changed the name of my hard drive to 'that thang,' so once a month, my computer asks me if I wanna back that that thang up.

   This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper...

   whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I'm in public

   My friend said he thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

   THE ANSWER TO AGE OLD QUESTION OF HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL TOOTSIE POP IS...... 277. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE AFTER HALLOWEEN I HAVE HAD 637 OF THEM

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted... How's that working' out?

   A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"

   I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. So, I held onto it just in case he was right

   I saw a sign on the door of a Wal-Mart that said “It is illegal to set off fireworks inside the building.” I really wish I had been there on the day they decided it was necessary to post that.

   ‎"It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden. It was our job to arrange the meeting." - United States Navy SEALS

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   Only a few of us have that special talent to trip UP the stairs.

   Just saw a girl in a plain push wheelchair holding on to her guy's motorized wheelchair and rolling behind him. Dude, she's using you.

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   When I was little I used to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up in bed, now I pass out on the sofa and wake up on the floor.

   if I had to comment your status with "What happened?" and you reply "I don't even want to talk about it...", do you think maybe you should have kept it to yourself?

   Overheard a guy say "Dis hoe jus said she ain't feelin me, Imma keep holla doe", which I think translates to "I make minimum wage"