Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.

   Whoever invented Copy & Paste should have been awarded a Nobel Prize.

   that weird momment when ur pet comes in ur room, stares, then walks back out.

   when you see a sign at a restaurant that says 'employees must wash BOTH hands', I think that's when you have to worry...

   I joined Facebook as an outlet to complain about stuff, now I need someplace to complain about Facebook.

   Congress has an approval rating of 13% you should know Naked cannibals on Bath Salts are at 18%.

   You know what makes me mad? The fact that I know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are.

   i'm really good at walking along, minding my own business and then having something happen

   You remind me of someone I'd never like to meet.

   I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

   Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there's less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There's no drama & I don't have to wear pants.”

   Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.

   Wondering if the inventor of the remote was clever or just lazy.

   Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.

   Sorry to say, but if you're celebrating Veterans Day by calling into work so you can stay home and play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, then you're doing it wrong.

   The best thing about hanging out with kids is they can't bore you by talking about their kids.

   The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.

   I always say the things better left unsaid.

   I know a lot of women with A.D.D. (Attention Demanding Disorder)

   I thought we were trying to clean up the planet? So why'd the Navy pollute it with the rubbish they picked up in Pakistan today?