Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge

   From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.

   You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.

   Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.

   If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the team I work for...

   Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   .... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be.

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   Dear Mariah: It's not as easy as it looks. -Milli Vanilli

   Nice try MacDonalds, trying to give away you're secret sauce, I've already have a bottle of thousand island dressing in the refrigerator

   I have good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it.

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.

   The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.

   Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.