Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work

   i hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?

   I hate when I order a pizza online & it asks "Do you accept the terms and conditions?" I'm ordering a pizza, not launching a nuclear weapon.

   Dear retail stores. August 21st is too damn early for Christmas decorations. Take them down. Now.

   There are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies. Guess what, there were none there. Coincidence?

   will be forever indebted to the person who creates a vaccine for stupidity.

   My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

   Pessimist sees darkness, optimist sees light, realist sees light & the coming train! Train driver sees 3 idiots sitting on the rails. :-)

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   cellphones always killin the mood. chick texted "your ducking sexy".. sigh. so I responded "your spelling makes me think your on quack"

   thinks instead of asking why your dog eats out of your cat's litter box, maybe you should be asking why your cat is pooping delicious treats!

   The scariest part of the show “I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.