Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either.

   New Trojan add: When you want the meat but not the gravy.

   If you don't use 1:11, 2:22 or 3:33 when starting the microwave you have yet to unlock my level of laziness.

   Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...

   My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!"

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   If I could live my life over again, I'd do everything the same. Except for that time I sh*t my pants in 3rd grade.

   WWII Vet goes up to a Occupy Movement protester and says "When I was your age I was occupying France fighting Nazis"

   If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."

   You know things must've gotten serious when you see a gold hoop earring laying in the Walmart parking lot.

   I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has :/

   The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.

   I'm in a book store and a liberal clerk helped me. I asked for the new Trump book on his immigration policy. She said, "F-you! Get out and stay out! I go, "Yes, that's it, do you have it in paperback?"

   You know...Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.

   AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.

   A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

   69% of people; find something DIRTY in every sentence