Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I'm spying on someone while they're showering and they let out a huge fart. What a sicko.

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key

   Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two kit-kats fall out of a vending machine at once

   If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore

   I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...

   There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows Winter Blows Winter Blows

   If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.

   It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

   Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980

   What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?... I don't have a Ferrari right now.

   I've never been that "Super Thug gangsta, keep going to jail type of black guy" I'm more of a "keep a steady job, continue college, love God and my country type of black guy" regardless I still love fried chicken and watermelon.. keep it real my friends

   One of the guys that dated Taylor Swift should write a song called, "Maybe You're The Problem."

   I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."

   Dear kanye west, Roses are red. Violets are blue. If Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do.+++

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's joke?