Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am still sitting here completely in Awe of how Samuel L Jackson is going to be portraying Martin Luther King, Jr. I can picture it now, "I had a dream mother f*cker!"

   Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said "Jersey Shore"...Was I wrong?

   "Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

   Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow

   My favorite yoga pose is the one where I stand upright, watching the class through the window while eating a cheeseburger.

   I think it's only fair to throw Monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

   I'm beginning to think the wireless mouse was invented just so there was one less thing to hang yourself with at work.

   It would be awesome to go back to kindergarten as a 5 year old with all the knowledge you currently have and completely dominate.

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.

   Oh didnt I tell you? Must have been none of your f*cking business."

   wants to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street.

   Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   ladies, regardless of where you like it...just don't ask us to hold it.

   If you believe in reincarnation, will your gravestone say "BRB" instead of "R.I.P."?

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).