Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The mega winner says she picked the numbers by her kids birthdays… Please tell me what month has 39 days

   Justin Bieber was drunken driving in Florida? Where is George Zimmerman when you need him!

   Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.

   People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

   Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.

   Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

   I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   If your dog is fat it means that you don't get enough exercise.

   There’s another hacking scandal. Home Depot is now investigating the hack of its customers' credit card information. They would have targeted Home Depot employees too, but the hackers couldn't find any.

   [Heaven] God: I see Joan Rivers is finally here. Jesus: I know. She's already making fun of us for wearing white after labor day.

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

   I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.

   You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.

   There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.

   If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.

   This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

   Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or "looking good" and call them Complimentos.

   Boss just announced he is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.