Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.

   Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.

   Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won't waste your time.

   Bought a blowup doll today but I won't blow her up til tomorrow. Don't want to seem desperate.

   My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.

   If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.

   It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

   Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.

   It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.

   Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.

   Flat screens are nice and all,but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.

   We need voter ID but we need voter IQ even more!

   If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.

   Breaking News!!! It is okay to "NOT" get in a debate on a Facebook status if you really have no idea what you are talking about. You can just move on to a cat picture or something you understand and comment on that..