Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.

   Yup, My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It's like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012

   The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you

   I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.

   Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.

   Only small children can get to sleep by counting sheep. The rest of us have to count our problems, mistakes, debts, relationship issues, enemies then eventually cry ourselves to sleep.

   you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.

   I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?

   You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.

   It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

   I told you a million times do not exaggerate!