Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will never wear a red shirt at target again.

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   You know when you need a vacation when you start pretending the shower head is a waterfall!! ; /

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day. <HATE

   I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.

   come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...

   If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.

   Maybe it's Maybelline... Maybe it's Photoshop.

   I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!

   To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.