Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I pledge to drink a bucket of wine to raise awareness for the earthquake that affected Napa wine country.

   I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one

   i dont know why but everytime someone starts a conversation with "this one time" my brain automatically says "at band camp"

   Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he asked me, What's on your mind?

   I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.

   if anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   I wish most of you SOBs would go find a political blog somewhere else to post your do-do

   Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

   Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.