Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"

   "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

   My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

   So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?

   Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.

   I miss elementary school days where I would have a doctor's appointment and come back to school like a boss with McDonald's.

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   I tweeted to Steve Harvey tonight that he was still my favorite all-time host of Family Feud; but two and a half minutes later I tweeted again to tell him it is actually Richard Dawson

   1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   Dad please dont mess my hair up and say 'love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now

   Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.

   Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing

   For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.

   The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.