Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.

   Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet.

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends