Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

   I think it would be funny to hide in the bushes at a park dressed as a clown and wait til you see someone clearly tired from running and start chasing them as motivation to get their second wind.

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.

   Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?

   How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

   Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.

   I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.

   December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

   After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

   I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

   Dear Kanye West,--- Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately

   There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter

   They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

   It's okay, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures, sent their prayers and thoughts. So terrorism should end shortly.

   Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul!! Think he is trying to bust a move.

   It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally ready to accept that it's not butter

   If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

   If the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.

   I'll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.