Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.

   if you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die

   Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.

   United, we put the hospital in hospitality.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

   North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back

   Apparently running around Walmart with alka-seltzer running out of my mouth screaming, “The vaccine isn’t working!”, isn’t funny.

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

   250,000 Union Soldiers died to end slavery in the United States ..... They were the first and genuine Black Lives Matter movement.

   Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together.

   It's gotten so bad that Trump has reached out to Puerto Rico and asked for the paper towels back..

   It really freaks people out when I use my invisible hula hoop.

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.