Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   So how did Amish.com happen?

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.

   My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at