Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas.

   I was talking to a nice young women last night, she asked me if I like breast or legs. I told her what I really like is a nice shaved snatch. Apparently I'm not allowed in KFC anymore.

   if you're 40+ and never married, just say you're divorced so people won't think there's something wrong with you...

   International Women’s Day……Cause it’s not like you want attention on any other day…

   I have a USB drive on my keys so that if I'm ever dying in public I can hand it to a stranger and shout "Get this to the President before.."

   Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.

   Hey,,, That's a cool race car bed,, kid.. Maybe someday you can be like me and sleep in a real car...

   If I had a d ick I'd definitely get it stuck in something it wasn't supposed to be in by the end of the first day.

   Correction: If your boyfriend answers your text while playing mw2, he doesn't love you. He just died.

   Facebook has stopped suggesting friends for me. I guess they finally realized I dont need to be friends with someone I saw that one time.

   I wish I could get 3 dollars plus a gallon for MY gas....I mean, it seems to be pretty high octane...........

   I like really dark movie theatres. That way, I don't have to buy my own popcorn.

   I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger!

   I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

   Women want a fairytale romance. Men Just want a happy ending...

   Ever notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   Maytag just recalled 1.7 million dishwashers. This immigration issue is really getting out of hand.

   "hey, isn't smoking weed illegal?" replies, "Hey aren't half the songs on your iPod stolen?"

   If Charlie Brown comes to your house trick or treating this Sunday, please give that kid some candy. That poor kid has been getting just rocks since 1966!