Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?

   Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”

   If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....

   Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   If you're always concern about the opinion people have about you. You'll never be happy.

   It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.

   How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom

   According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?

   I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...

   How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   If your kid is almost old enough for social media, Make sure you have the "We need the talk" thingy soon. You know advising him about the usage of your/you're and there/their/they're.

   Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport