Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've heard Drug Addiction, Smoke Addiction, Alcohol Addiction, Gamble Addiction... but TECHNOLOGY Addiction, now that's new!

   survived April Fools Day without being pranked, however there was a baby on my doorstep this morning, but i'm pretty sure thats unrelated.

   -- I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I'm calling it a 'Towel'. .....

   feeling sofa king great today!!!!!

   I never realized how much I cuss until I had to add all those 4 letter words to my phones dictionary. I am not ducking crazy, piece of shirt !

   did my taxes yesterday.. seemed like a perfectly legitimate way to defraud the Government

   just because I rock doesnt mean I'm made of stone

   This is not the greatest status message in the world. No this is just a tribute!

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   ahh young love.Full of promise,full of hope.Ignorant of reality.Not all guys can turn into vampires n watch you sleep at night..am jus sayin.

   tends to seek forgiveness later rather than ask for permission now.

   A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.

   Research says laughter can lengthen your life and smoking shortens it. So, I always chuckle between puffs.

   If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

   I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.

   When I'm on the phone, I like to press the buttons and say "Would you please stop doing that!"

   No one is listening until you fart.

   I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it's never me.

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.